He asked to "fluff my boner.."
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize