I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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