The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
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