I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
