We named our party play list daddy issues
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I would ride that face into the sunset
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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