I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Randomize
