meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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