I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
