He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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