I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
