the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
