Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize