Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
