'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
