I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
