I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
