Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
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