God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
