he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
