Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
