Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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