please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
