We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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