Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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