so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
