well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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