My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
