Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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