that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Randomize
