Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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