I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize