"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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