When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
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