He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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