i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
