Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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