I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
