Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
