and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
