I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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