I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize