also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
