My underwear smells like fireworks.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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