I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
