ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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