I'm drive I can fine osifer
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
