So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
now i know why i became what i already was.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
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