I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
