I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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