she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Randomize
