I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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