I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Randomize
