So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
