My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
this is an emotional support booty call
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
