Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
