He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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