i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
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