I wanna bring you to show and tell
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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