There is no way he is gay with that hair.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
