"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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